Saturday, March 28, 2009

Time At Last

My blogging companion has saddened me today. It seems awhile ago he told me he was going to Denver. Obviously I don't pay attention to anyone around here, so presumably I missed that part of our conversation. I am alone. I am cold, and I am scared. Return from the mythical land of Colorado soon my friend. May god be with you!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Boreas hath forsaken me: My pre-odyssey to Denver

It seems that I have not pleased the gods. The wrath of Zeus has caused him to call upon the mighty Boreas to slow me in my quest to return home to Denver.
Cursed North winds!
As Odysseus angered Poseidon on his journey home to Athens, it seems I too might be forced to endure and epic journey to return to Denver.
Okay, so it's not that bad. I bought my Greyhound bus tickets a week ago, boxed up my bicycle and was preparing for another bike and beer tour of Denver. Things weren't so bad a few hours ago. Light snow, a few road closures. Might take a little longer, but I can deal with that. As I write, however, 40 miles of I-25 are closed north of Walsenburg due to accidents.
Normally I'm not an impatient guy, but I have to get out of town before this happens! Let me be clear about this: I intend to ride my bike, not do whatever the hell this stupid shit is.
Long story short, I'm outta here one way or another. I'll be back next week with more dry comments and attempts at humor.
In the meantime, I leave you in the capable (read: special) hands of Justin.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

As a side note

I frequent It is some sort of sick fetish I have to see what I can purchase that other people no longer have any use for. The only problem with this is, I am constantly broke. So, it is usually only some sort of sad wish I have and could never actually buy things like this totally awesome vagina couch. Now unlike my friend and co-non-worker kris, I do not usually look at the personal ads or casual encounters while I'm alone. For reasons that kris described. It's almost as if you have to go wash your hands after viewing them if you do so alone. Now on the other hand with a couple of pals around the pages are riddled with comic genius. Awhile back I was hanging out with a few of the zagadka boys, and we stumbled across the T4M. Now at the time I wasnt really sure of what T4M meant, but now I am quite aware. It seems people in our town and quite possibly all over the state are fucking sick in the head. But to inform our readers, "hosting" means you can go get your sick little fuck fest on at their place. This way your roomates or and or parents who you refer to as roomates don't have to know you sucked off some dude wearing a dress. But on the down side, other than sucking off some dude wearing a dress, he will be filming it, and you will be an overnight sensation. But on the bright side, every once in a while you stumble upon gems such as this.

And to be completely honest, I could never possibly get sick of pink lemonade!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Green Chile, Chicken Burritos: The Silent Killer

Sometimes the things that come out of my mouth while I'm drinking at the bar are funny at the time, but after sobering up they become disturbing and creepy. With that in mind, I will not be discussing my ill-conceived science experiment of infecting a green chile, chicken burrito with AIDS. Not only is it a terrible idea, I also don't know anyone with AIDS. (If you have AIDS or are willing to be infected by a burrito, email me)
On the subject of creepy and disturbing, lately Justin and I have been trolling the Craigslist personals. The "casual encounters" section, in particular, offers a steady stream of laughs, gasps and cries of "What the fuck?" On this day, however, I found myself lurking in the "casual encounters" section without Justin and the whole experienced changed (keep in mind that I am at work). Instead of a semi-innocent good time had with a coworker, it seemed more like trying to find free porn on my parents' computer (not that I ever did that or know what it feels like).
This isn't entirely my fault, though. Not with steamy passages like this:
I want to meet people who like to masturbate in front of me while I masturbate. I love to see young guys shoot their load right in the air...mmmmm.I am in bikini shape, i have strawberry blonde hair and green eyes. I can almost always make plans to host with a few days notice.
This personal confuses me in a few ways:
  • What kind of a person makes themself that available on the internet?
  • What does she mean by "host"?
  • ...I don't even know what to begin with the "shoot their load right in the air" part.
Then, elsewhere on Craigslist, there are the whole "mw4w" and "m4t" parts that I can't begin to understand, hence I won't discuss them.
Maybe (read: probably) I'm really naive or immature, but this stuff facinates me. Like a science experiment.
I wonder if anyone on Craigslist would be interested in infecting a green chile, chicken burrito with AIDS.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Turning your worthless 401k into dinner for 4: 10 easy recipes

To blow off steam during this time of economic downturn, I usually do one of three things:
  1. Take my aggressions out on the reader(s) of this blog (thanks Mom!)
  2. Do an angry dance number in a warehouse
  3. Or, go for a relaxing drive in my tank-dozer
Today, on the other hand, I am in an unusually good mood. Apart from dealing with the poop-factories I call coworkers, everything is coming up Milhouse.
It has a lot to do with the fact that recently I've taken the time to stop and notice the subtleties of life around me. For example, you are not allowed to check corpses onto a Greyhound bus (a fact the Justin eluded to yesterday with minor errors). Which begs the question: Was this rule made out necessity or just good ol' forward-thinking? Was Greyhound once plagued with travelers toting their deceased loved ones or did some maverick within the company foresee baggage compartments full of the fresh cadavers? Cremated remains are also out, but the site does not reference severed limbs. My advise to all the would-be carcass-transporters out there: Invest in a decent hacksaw.
Other baggage restrictions of note: Ammunition, furniture and materials with a disagreeable odor (which is highly subjective, in my opinion).
Another way to notice the beauty of your world is by seeing it through the eyes of someone else. Photography is a great way to see things in a way that you might not have otherwise. Unless that photography involves fixed-gear bicycles. I offer you exhibits A, B and C from the K & J's MPH Self-Indulgent Site of the Week, Fixed Gear Gallery. My complaint is as follows: If you are going to post pictures on a bicycle website and go into greatly detailed description of your bike, please post a picture of your bike. Not some quasi-artsy, "outside-the-box" bullshit that doesn't even look good...
See? I start talking about Fixed Gear Gallery and completely lose my cool.
Oh well. Maybe in these tough economic times people will start appreciating their old, crappy ten-speeds the way they are.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

All natural mustache madness

Sorry for the lack of updates followers. It appears kris and I are not as on top of our blogging game as we assumed. Mostly due to the fact we actually have, and live pretty decent lives, unlike some people living off mommy and daddy. those sensitive sons of bitches who blog for a living. So, Work has been busy. There ya have it. with things to do we blog less. yesterday was saint drinky day, and i stayed sober as as a nun? Kris just informed me that you cant check corpses into an airline check in baggage. so carry those bitches on the plane with you. I suggest the siamese twin approach. just say its sick and sleeping. I went to a show on monday. saw my two favorite bands


Ryan from inaviate with zagadka

Monday, March 9, 2009

Daylight savings what!!!!!

So yesterday derek and I decided it was time to get our ramp finished. Woke up at 8 in the morning. Busted our asses most of the day. I dont think I have ever moved as much wood in my entire life. Turns out it was daylight savings time and we got to stay out working later. much to my dismay I now have to wake up earlier or something. Fuck you daylight savings, fuck you!!!
pictures of the ramp soon. Oh and and another strange note, my girlfriend and i were woken up at 3:30 in the morning by my ex girlfriend. That shit was pretty sweet.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

days not at work

recovery days are most appreciated

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Reflections: Random Thought of the Day Vol 1

Do you ever have one of those days when you just stop, take a moment out of your busy life and wonder, "How long has my fly been down?"

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Dolphin vs. Unicorn

The internet is an amazing thing, you know?
Anyone with an idea or a dream can communicate it to the rest of the world (except China). And, no matter how silly the idea, the power of the internet can connect you to others that share your enthusiasm for that idea.
There are a lot of crazy, oft perverted, ideas out there. Every once in a while, however, you find the diamond in the rough. An idea that profoundly changes your life for the better.
And here it is:

Yet another beautiful sunday rolls by and we are cooped up in a shop, which so convienently markets to customers who rely on good weather to partake in thier sport. Ironic, I have to be inside, helping yuppie assholes figure out how to shift bikes, only for them to leave the store and enjoy the amazing day riding, while I sit here writing on a blog I created to talk about how much we hate being here. But fuckin-aye its summer time right. well sorta. I got to leave work yesterday early to go ride, so I cant really complain too much. Unfortunately I completely had my bicycle riding confidence shaken, as I rode the hardest dirt jumps I have ever been to. I spent most of my time on the ground instead of in the air. I broke my seat, and due to this managed to make my brakeless bike skid, by having my balls sucked directly into the rear tire between the frame. after about 5 minutes on the ground and about 10 minutes making sure the boys were ok, I managed to finally make it through the jumps. SKETCHY! In the midst of all this madnees I get a text from my dad
400,000 miles but still works good.
yah hooray for my dad

Ball Movement and Blackholes

There's something very sad about being locked in a bike shop on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. The basketball announcer on TV keeps shouting about "ball movement." Man, basketball is a stupid sport. The upshot is my hangover is slowly subsiding thanks to a large amount of coffee.
Facebook offers little entertainment. It turns out my friends are fans of black holes.
My bike sits sad and alone in my dark living room.
Tom keeps asking me about the Communist Manifesto, which is and odd feature of the day.
ok ok. I'm sorry. It's not all bad. I don't mean to dump on you.